On a particular Sunday last month, someone gave me an appointment somewhere and, as usual with our people, I was kept waiting for upward of an hour. And I really hate being kept waiting because it is ‘not in my character’ to keep people waiting.
Haha, hope you still remember that popular phrase ‘not in my character.’ If you cannot remember, use dark goggles as a cue to remind you of someone who was fond of using that phrase.
Anyway, this post is not about dark goggles, or what people do when they wear dark goggles.
Instead, it is about another thing that people use for different purposes – mobile phones.
Let’s rewind to that Sunday story.
As I waited for my host to arrive, I noticed a gentleman seated a few tables away from me. He too appeared to be waiting for someone.
His phone rang and he shouted, “Hello!”
C’mon, why do men shout so loudly on phone?
I’ve always wondered!
Well, I was told that you have to shout into some handsets before the listener can hear you properly. Perhaps you must also shake such a phone vigorously before you can hear the caller clearly.
Your phone will likely fall into this category if you bought it for N3,000 on Eko bridge!
So that man’s guttural voice distracted my attention. He must have bought his phone at ‘Chinatown.’
But he seemed not to bother as he continued, “Mo wa ni Lekki bayi; ma a pada sile by eight l’ale – I’m in Lekki right now but I will be back home by 8.00 tonight.”
That man was a born liar – typical oniro man!
He was sitting right beside me somewhere at Ikeja and deceived his caller that he was at Lekki!
Chei, May God forgive that man.
I kept thinking about what that Mr. Liar said and it set me pondering about the funny things people do with their phones.
So I began to ask questions, and I was shocked by the feedback that I got from some people.
Of course, we are all saints, aren’t we? None of the respondents owned up to having committed any of the ‘offences’ stated in this post. It was all about what someone did or what someone said another person did with his/her phone.
I understand that many sophisticated phones have GPS system that can be used to track where someone is located while talking to you on the phone. But I wonder how many people make use of such a facility.
That’s why it must have been so convenient for the Mr. Liar mentioned above to lie about his location.
But that’s not the only type of lies people tell with their phones.
I was told that people also use the Facebook “Check In” facility on their phones in some funny ways. Someone would punch the icon to search for the nearest cute location, click it and, pronto, the innocent phone will deceptively announce to the whole world that he/she has just ‘checked into’ that charming place.
Na lie! Big lie. It’s just the power of technology. The ‘clicker’ is not physically there.
When next you also see a pretty lady giggling as she chats on her phone inside a bus or at the bus stop, be rest assured that she’s either deceiving someone, or someone somewhere is actually rapping her head.
All na lie!
2. Make Up Mirror
In a way, this is in appreciation of the fact that our ladies use the most sophisticated of mobile phones, so they should actually be grateful to me for including it here.
Our ladies no longer buy face mirrors.
What they do now is to turn the screens of their sophisticated phones into a mirror – most especially those expensive touchscreen phones usually bought by guys for their gals. You see, it’s a woman’s world, isn’t it?
With that, they can easily apply their powder, lipstick, or mascara.
Well, I understand they also use the stuff to take a look at other parts of their body. But don’t ask me any question on this, please. You can confirm for yourself by asking any lady that carries about a touchscreen phone. But don’t ever mention my name if you receive a blow oooh.
What else do you want me to call this? It’s not from my mouth that you will hear that the king’s mother is dead.
All I can say is that one female respondent told me that some ladies (sure she’s not one of them) use their phones as instruments of stimulation.
Nooo, my eyes are closed; I can’t watch.
I should say it?
This blog doesn’t permit certain words. But let me find a moderate word that can be used. Eeeh, eeeh, vibrate…the phone vibrates and … yes, exactly… that is it. Conclude the rest on your own.
In fact, when I expressed my astonishment, the lady that told me about it simply laughed and said, “Egbon, it’s not a big deal; e o jasi rara – Brother, it’s not a big deal; you’re such a novice.”
Hmmm, na wah ooh!
Well, if you have a grown up daughter or sister who is always locking herself up in the room, it would be a good idea to check her out once in a while because of this revelation.
If ladies call it ‘enjoyment’ and guys call it ‘entertainment,’ it’s all the same.
Ladies may turn their mobiles into instruments of enjoyment; men too are guilty of a similar ‘crime.’ My little survey revealed that guys usually have a mountain heap of pornographic films downloaded unto their mobile phones. Your guess is as good as mine on what they do with such films when they are alone.
Again, my eyes are closed oooh.
But who says ladies too don’t watch porno? I understand they have a special slang for it. They call it mojo.
The only thing is that I’ve never seen any lady buying those porno films on her own; whereas I have, on several occasions on Allen Avenue, seen guys inside posh cars buying such films in the traffic in broad daylight.
I wonder why this did not get a place in an earlier blog titled, “Am I Getting Old?”
It’s so funny the way our youths communicate with emoticons on their phones – most especially Blackberry (BB). If you don’t belong to their group and you make the mistake of trying to prove that you are, they could be abusing you with some strange looking pictures; and you would be responding “yees,” “yees,” without knowing how insulting those pictures are.
If you want to confirm whether or not you truly jasi as they say, try to chat with a young guy or gal using emoticons.
Well, you are on your own oooh.
Eee eeh, this one is for men. I understand some guys use their phones to stalk their partners. They check for photo updates, wall updates, new friends, chats, comments etc on their partners’ profiles as if trying to catch a thief. They want to know about everything that is happening in their partners’ lives.
Kai! Men can also be so jealous, eh!
But who says our ladies don’t stalk men too? They definitely watch their interests closely.
This found a space in “10 Things That Divide Us,” but it’s still worth mentioning here.
Do you know what ‘invisible opponents’ look like?
Do you know what ‘Wall War’ is all about?
Do you recognize ‘DP yabbis’ when you see one?
Are you familiar with ‘tweet wreck’?
If you don’t know any of these, it means you’re not trendy enough – you are not jasi (as they say).
But I will help you out.
When you see some funny Facebook posts like, “I don’t depend on men;” “People can fail you, but your heart will never leave you;” “Get out of my house is not the same as get out of the world,” those are coded war tunes. Dig further, you will see some wrestling going on underneath.
I needn’t talk about Twitter war or BB bombardment. The wars on those platforms are easily discernible.
If a lady’s BB display picture suddenly changes to, “If nothing goes right; try going left,” you may need to call her to find out what’s up. Be rest assured that something must be happening.