One of the ultimate desires of any African lady, well…Nigerian lady, is to get married. She wants to be loved, she wants a commitment from her male counterpart, and she wants a home she can rightfully call her own. Sadly, this highly-sought need has eluded so many ladies for long. Though they are always into relationships, such relationships are constantly with different men. Today, a lady is with Mr. Black, tomorrow she’s with Mr. Green. Quite sad indeed!
Maybe you are one of those who have always wondered why our ladies are so religious these days. Wonder no more. Just ask any pastor around, he will tell you that 80%-90% of the issues brought before him for counseling are from ladies, and such cases have to do with relationships. Our ladies want to get married so they turn to God (or, is it to Pastors?) for assistance. While I do not have any issue with that, I’m at the same time bothered by the fact that these ladies don’t allow the word of God to rule their lives. They focus so much on what they want, but ignore what they have to give. A lady leaves a church service now but turns to another thing the moment she leaves the church premises! Anyway, this post is not about religion. That will be a point of discussion some other time.
As a man, I am worried by the kind of “hatred” that our ladies have developed for the men folk. Yes, you may say to me, “Don’t blame them oo, men have been showing them pepper.” Inasmuch as I wouldn’t contend the fact that men can be quite tough on ladies, I should quickly add that such treatments should not warrant the level of revulsion that ladies now have for men in our country (or Africa?). The pillar of trust seems to have fallen down completely, and a lady is prepared to deal seriously with any man who comes her way because of the sad experiences she’s had with another man in the past. She says, “Men are all the same.” Unfortunately, this is one of the reasons why so many of our gals now find it so hard to find their Mr. Right.
Talk to any unmarried lady around you; your ears will hear winrinwinrin. You will hear tales upon tales of woes. She will give you a perfect definition of man; man as she knows him. Be rest assured that her definition will be a horrible one; borne out of her bad experience, she says. At the end, you will ask yourself, “Are Nigerian men this bad?” It seems our ladies are never wrong these days. “My man did this, my man did that” has become the singsong. Why? Since life is a magnet where like attracts like, they keep drawing the wrong guys to themselves! They are increasingly finding it hard to find those heavenly made Messrs. Rights.
Here is my consolation to our ladies: Mr. Right exists for each and every one of you, and you can find him.
Well, I offer some advice here. It’s a matter of self discipline. If any lady could have the discipline to take some simple steps, I have every confidence that Mr. Right will come out from his hiding place to manifest himself. Then there will be no more soaking the pillow with tears at night; you will no longer disturb the pastor on every counseling day; and hurtful feelings will cease.
Step 1: Who are you?
As strange as it may seem, the truth is that many people don’t know themselves. I blogged about this in Who Are You By The Way?, and you may want to take a quick look at the article before proceeding.
Any man or woman who doesn’t know himself or herself will find life quite difficult. You must know the kind of person you are. You must know what you want in life. You must be able to ask yourself, “Who am I? What drives me? What interests me? What makes me happy? What are my desires? etc” As far as relationship is concerned, you will surely want to choose a partner that aligns with your personality. You don’t just want anybody because “anybody” will remain a “nobody” in your life. For sure, that kind of a person will never be your Mr. Right.
Step 2: Choose
Choose? Yes. I repeat: Choose. As a lady who is in dire need of a man, this may sound weird to you, but that’s how you can get your Mr. Right. You must know exactly who you want and listen to him only; not any other guy. Stop falling for every Akin, Austen, and Haruna. Make a choice. Enough of trial and error, you are not a scientist!
Let’s look at it this way. Assuming you need a new pair of jeans and you head for the nearest shop. On display are various types – mom jeans, tight jeans, stretch jeans, skinning jeans etc. They are also of various sizes – size 16, size 20, size 34, size 38, size 40 etc. My dear, would you just pick any of the jeans? No. You know your size. You know your type. So you will pick the type and size that fits you. If you are not sure of your size you will ask for help. That kind of help is probably what you are reading here today on relationship.
Once you know who you are, the next thing is to decide on those characteristics that you require in a man; your ideal man; your Mr. Right.
One of the reasons that lead to multiple relationships is desperation. When you are so desperate for a husband, you would be ready to grab anyone that comes along. You then start to pray that he would change to your specifications as the relationship grows. For where? He may become worse. One thing you need to know is that it doesn’t take men too long to identify a desperate lady. Once they observe that in you, they become your Messi, ready to play you like a football. Don’t fall a victim. Don’t take solace in the expectation that he would change. Make your choice, and make it NOW; not when you are neck-deep into the relationship.
In case you don’t know how to do that, here is a token from me. When you get home this evening, prepare your dinner, eat, and then grab a pen and paper. Head for your bedroom, sit comfortably and start to write as you reflect. List those qualities you need in a man. State his attributes, his attitudes, ideal height, ideal weight, profession, pastimes, voice etc. Register everything in your head. See your Mr. Right in your mind. Keep him there permanently. Come tomorrow morning; start to fully engage your antennae. Be on the lookout for him. You will immediately recognize him when he shows up.
My dear, this may sound odd or too simple but it is very important. I can tell you that many ladies cannot say exactly the type of man they want in their life. And how can you get what you don’t have a clear idea of? The appellation of “Mr. Right” has become too general. You must spell out your own Mr. Right. Bear in mind that a description of Mr. Right for Ngozi may not be the same for Esther.
Step 3: Who should you be?
Without attempting to read your mind, I can suspect that you are now trying to say that you already know the type of man you need in your life. You want a man who is ………. (Fill in the gap). Okay. If you can do that successfully, or you have already done that, I’m so happy for you. That means you can easily spot your Mr. Right if he appears now. Yeah? That’s great. Let’s move to the next step then.
You have to determine the kind of person you must be to your Mr. Right. I know that step 1 requires you to know yourself. I also know that I have asked you to determine the kind of person that will fit into your life. I still stand by all those. But this is equally crucial: You must know the changes you need to make to your life to attract Mr. Right and make him feel comfortable with you. In other words, I am asking you to be flexible.
A lot of ladies focus attention on what they want from a man and forget to identify what they themselves must give. They ignore the fact that men are also looking for certain things in ladies. Don’t be like them because they never get that man on their side. Please, don’t be too rigid. You must bear in mind that men and women are two separate “species.” For a cat and mouse to live together, there must be compromises. Wow! Don’t mind me; it is not as terrible as that. Cat and mouse analogy is too extreme.
I’m sure the point is quite clear to you. Don’t be like other girls who always fail to look at their own behaviors but keep blaming the man all the time. Learn to understand the other party. Be ready to adjust. Afterall, relationship is about giving. You must be ready to give. You cannot continue to hold on to certain things and expect your Mr. Right to stay. Yeah, I may be speaking in parables but I’m sure you can understand; because you know yourself – at least you should do by now.
Ask yourself: “What kind of person should I become in order to attract the right man?” You can also probe further: “What would make me become a good wife?” I can’t answer that for you. But I can give you one answer: Your Mr. Right will spot it in you, and you will become attracted to him. That’s a money-back guarantee, my dear.
Step 4: Speak
Take this from me, men like ladies who talk.
Yes. We like ladies who talk; but many ladies are just blabbermouths. They can talk from morning till night without necessarily saying anything reasonable. Men don’t like that.
When I say “speak,” I am asking you to talk to your Mr. Right passionately when he shows up. That is how you can keep him. Get his attention. Get him interested in the relationship. Ask him what he wants from it. Ask him what he expects from you. Tell him what you want too. Don’t assume that he’s a man so he should know how to treat a lady. That would be a big mistake. His perception may be totally different. There must be a form of agreement between the two of you.
You see, ladies often neglect this aspect in a relationship to their detriment. In fact, your man will appreciate you the more if you take the step to get him into discussing with you. Go as far as asking him what the boundaries are.
Some people are of the opinion that relationships should be without boundaries. They advise that love should not be conditional. Hmm, how wrong they are. If twins are not 100% the same; how much more are two people from different backgrounds. My dear, don’t listen to those self-confessed love doctors. Listen to me. Ask your man what upsets him and try to avoid that area. But, who knows? You may be able to close that boundary as time goes on. For now, you have your Mr. Right and you want to keep him, so don’t scare him off. Recognize his needs and don’t criticize him unnecessarily.
Finally, learn to point out his faults to him. Men appreciate it when their partners calmly say to them, “Honey, you made me feel bad today because of….” Believe me, he will apologize. Nigerian men are not as bad as some ladies make you believe. Indeed, he will love you the more for telling him. Don’t get discouraged if he initially puts up some masks because of ego. Just be calm, it’s in us; we can be quite egoistic. Your man will soon go into his inner-heart-bedroom and say, “She’s right. I erred.”
That’s the little I have for you today on finding and keeping Mr. Right. I pray he comes quickly. And don’t forget one thing: Remember to invite me to your wedding; because I like rice and chicken.
To your memorable love life!