Does True Love Actually Exist?

Come, let us reason together. That’s what thinkers do.

Let’s take a look at this very important subject of love. By this, I mean love between a man and a woman; a guy and a lady.

A guy and his girlfriend enjoy sweet period with each other; promise each other unconditional love; and finally proceed to the altar to say “I do.” The groom kisses the bride, and the bride kisses the groom.

Everyone is happy.

Their formal relationship starts with a sweet honeymoon of conjugal passion. It blossoms, and each prays it lasts forever.

But things begin to go awry after a short while.  Complains begin to fly from each direction. To the man, his wife is no longer good. And to the lady, her man has suddenly become a devil.

What happened to the love of those days of their courtship?

What befell their marital vows?

Did they really mean the “I Love You” they’ve been saying to each other?

Does true love actually exist?

Don Miguel Ruiz tells an interesting story in his book, “The Mastery of Love,” which I will share with you here.

A certain man used to go about preaching to everyone that “Love Does Not Exist.”

He did not fail to justify his arguments: “What humans call ‘love’ is nothing but a fear relationship based on control. Where is the respect? Where is the love they claim to have? There is no love.”

He further argued that, “Young couples, in front of the representation of God, in front of their family and friends, make a lot of promises to each other: to live together forever, to love and respect each other, to be there for each other, through the good times and the bad times. They promise to love and honor each other, and make promises and more promises.

“What is amazing is that they really believe these promises. But after the marriage – one week later, a month later, a few months later – you can see that none of these promises are kept.

“What you find is a war of control to see who will manipulate whom. Who will be the provider, and who will have the addiction? You find that a few months later, the respect they swear to have for each other is gone. You can see the resentment, the emotional poison, how they hurt each other, little by little, and it grows and grows, until they don’t know when the love stops.

“They stay together because they are afraid to be alone, afraid of the opinions and judgments of others, and also afraid of their own judgments and opinions. But where is the love?”

This preacher of “Love Does Not Exist” tried to convince his listeners that he had seen many old couples who lived together for many years but when they talked about their relationship, they would say, “We survived the matrimony.”

That, according to him, meant one of them surrendered to the other. At a certain time, she gave up and decided to endure the suffering. The one with the strongest will and less need won the war, but where is that flame they call love? They treat each other like a possession: “She is mine.” “He is mine.”

One day while walking in a park, this man saw a pretty woman sitting alone on a bench. She looked sorrowful and was crying uncontrollably.

The man became curious. He wanted to know why such a beautiful woman would be crying in a park. So he sat beside her and asked if he could be of help.

To his utter shock, the woman told him that she was crying because she had discovered that “Love does not exist.”

Then the man thought, “This is amazing – a woman who believes (just as I do) that love doesn’t exist!”

Of course, he wanted to know more about her.

“Why do you say that love doesn’t exist?” he asked.

“Well, it’s a long story,” she replied. “I married when I was very young, with all the love, all these illusions, full of hope that I would share my life with this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and honor, and we created a family. But soon everything changed.

“I was the devoted wife who took care of the children and the home. My husband continued to develop his career and his success and image outside of home was more important to him than our family. He lost respect for me, and I lost respect for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I discovered that I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me either…”

“But the children needed a father, and that was my excuse to stay and to do whatever I could to support him. Now the children are grown and they have left. I no longer have any excuse to stay with him. There’s no respect, there’s no kindness. I know that even if I find someone else, it’s going to be the same, because love doesn’t exist. There is no sense to look around for something that doesn’t exist. That is why I am crying.”

There they were together on that bench; two people of like minds – a man and a woman who did not believe that love exist.

It didn’t take time before they became great friends. They had respect for each other and they never put each other down. With every step they took together, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there was no control, and there was no possessiveness. The relationship continued to blossom.

At a certain stage, an idea came to the man’s mind. He thought, “Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It’s not what the poets say it is; it’s not what religion says; because I am not responsible for her. I don’t take anything from her; I don’t have the need for her to take care of me; I don’t need to blame her for my difficulties or to take my dramas to her.

“We have the best time together; we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, and the way she feels. She doesn’t embarrass me; she doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t feel jealous when she’s with other people; I don’t feel envy when she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it’s not what everyone thinks love is.”

As soon as he started explaining these new thinking to the woman, she quickly said, “I know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same idea long ago, but I didn’t want to share it with you because I know you don’t believe in love. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn’t what we thought it was.”

So they became lovers.

The man’s heart was so full with all the love he felt that one night a great miracle happened. He was looking at the stars and he found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big that the star started coming down from the sky and soon that star was in his hands.

Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to the woman and put that star in her hands to prove his love to her. As soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt. This love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from her hands and broke into a million little pieces.

But that’s not the end. We need to pay a keen attention to Don Miguel’s analysis of the story as captured in the following paragraphs. 

“Do you want to guess what went wrong? The mistake was on the man’s part in thinking he could give the woman his happiness. The star was his happiness, and his mistake was to put his happiness in her hands.

“Happiness never comes from outside of us. He was happy because of the love coming out of him; she was happy because of the love coming out of her. But as soon as he made her responsible for his happiness, she broke the star because she could not be responsible for his happiness.

“No matter how much the woman loved him, she could never make him happy because she could never know what he had in his mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because she could not know his dreams.

“If you take your happiness and put it in someone’s hands, sooner or later, she is going to break it. If you give your happiness to someone else, she can always take it away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are responsible for your happiness.

“We can never make anyone responsible for our own happiness, but when we go to the church to get married, the first thing we do is exchange rings. We put our star in each other’s hands, expecting that she is going to make you happy, and you are going to make her happy. 

“It doesn’t matter how much you love someone, you are never going to be what that person wants you to be.”

What, then, is the conclusion? 

True love very much exists. But our interpretations and expectations are faulty. With deep thoughts, you should understand the above story clearly.

True love does not place obligations on lovers. Instead, you accept, respect, honour, and love each other the way you are individually.

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3 thoughts on “Does True Love Actually Exist?”

  1. Life is an exam; its like a video game. Unless you know the rules, you can never win. Weldone sir!

  2. Wow, i need to share this. People just have it all wrong. Happiness is a choice and we are responsible for our happiness.

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