Warning Letter to Obama

My dear brother,

Last week, you and that guy called Mitt had a presidential debate that has almost cost me my head down here. Honestly, I had thought I wouldn’t have to write this letter to you but the pain has become so unbearable that I just have to write you before your next debate.

You stood on that stage on Tuesday night debating with Mitt, and I had to murder sleep to watch your performance. You started speaking at 9.00PM which was about 2.00AM of Wednesday morning here in Lagos; a time when many people were enjoying the early morning sleep. Can you see the kind of affection I have for you?

By the time you left that hall on that day, it was already 3.30AM here so I couldn’t go to bed again. Sleep wouldn’t even have come because my head was full. I kept thinking about your pitiable performance at that debate.

Hey bro, what actually went wrong on that day? The Obama I watched on TV was not the Barack guy I used to know! What happened to your magical voice? Was there a problem somewhere back home?

As if the pain of your poor performance was not enough for me, I had to contend with a barrage of mocking text messages and verbal assaults from some of my friends down here. Those were the guys alongside whom I hailed you when you were campaigning for president in 2008. Sadly, they’ve all deserted you now; and they keep wondering why on earth I still remain your loyalist down here.

As far as they are concerned, you have not performed up to expectations since becoming the number one World Citizen.

But don’t worry; I’ve consistently argued that you’ve done well. I’ve been telling anyone who cares to listen that you’re still my man and you’re doing great in that God’s own country called America. I’m often quick to remind them that you have managed to reduce the mess left behind by that Bush guy to the barest minimum. I’ve also argued that you, a black man, have succeeded in killing the world’s number one terrorist called Bin Laden.

Of course, records are there to show all the great things you have done for America. Still, many people down here remain unhappy with you. Some of them can’t believe that you could have come to Ghana without stepping on Nigerian soil despite all the support we gave you before getting to the White House. You would recall that we even raised some campaign funds for you which you rejected!

That’s how much my people loved you then. But the picture has since been changing. Many of your Nigerian friends have turned their backs on you.

But not me and definitely not some of your ardent supporters here. The only problem is that our number has been reducing by the day, and your poor performance of last week has actually made things more difficult.

Truth be told, brother, you really disappointed all of us on that Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. With that, you’ve annoyingly donated a voice to Mitt. You can imagine how disgusting it is for us to hear what he has been saying about you since that debate took place.

The Media is another issue. They have been rating that guy so high since that time. In fact, to put it bluntly, many people now believe that you are a weak president who could not even look  his opponent in the face at a debate.

Ngbo, my brother, why did you have to look down for such a long period during the debate? You portrayed yourself as a pupil being reprimanded by his teacher. And who was the teacher in this case? Mitt, of course!

Why did you have to do that?

Even after the debate had ended, you still allowed that guy to steal the stage from you. Some of us didn’t even like the nonchalant way you hugged Michelle before disappearing from that stage. Did she offend you before you got to Denver or what?

Anyway, the deed is already done so there is no point weeping over spilt milk.

But you must take this as a very serious warning letter from me. That sordid performance of 3rd October must not repeat itself when you meet that Republican guy again on 16th October. If it does, I will have no choice than to do what one American did when his car was stolen from him in Lagos.

You must never forget what you told me in our chat the other day. Have you forgotten? You assured me that Mitt is a small fry that I needn’t worry about. You have to prove this to me on the 16th of October; otherwise I would be forced to do what that American guy did when his car was stolen in Lagos.

I’m sure some of your staff would want to know why your winning the next election is of concern to me, a non-American. I trust you will be able to explain to them clearly that your re-election is not only about you; but about me, and other black people of the world.

If you lose, it would be on record forever that black people don’t have the capacity to lead America effectively. They would perpetually mock us as one-term White House landlord; so make sure it doesn’t happen. You must win, by all means.

Yes you can!

Can’t you?

You caned that other man called McCain back then in 2008. You flogged him so well that he wept bitterly. So why would one simple Mitt, an ordinary governor, be so difficult for you to roast? I beg, my brother, I want you to turn that man to an ordinary meat on 16th October and eat him raw on stage.

Don’t think I’m threatening you unnecessarily with this letter. Honestly, I repeat, if you fail to display confidence in the next debate, if you fail to make me proud as a black man, if you fail to look Mitt in the face and pluck out his eyes; I would have no choice than to do exactly what that American man did when his car was stolen in Lagos the other day.

See, brother, you must use everything you have to reclaim your glory on 16th October. Some have said that you cannot speak effectively without Teleprompter. That’s their headache. You’re the president so you can give the presidential order for Teleprompters to be allowed on that day.

Others have argued that you kept saying ‘haaaaww, haaaaww’ during the last debate because you couldn’t find your voice. Look, brother, don’t mind them. You’re at liberty to place as many books as you like in front of you when you get to the debate hall next week. Don’t forget to take a copy of the Constitution and Obamacare law with you. That’s why you’re the president. You have the power to do as you like.

You must just subdue that sharp mouthed guy called Mitt next week. It’s a must. The only thing you must not do is to tell lies like him. We all know that he lied with some of the things he said on that day. The annoying thing was that you allowed him to get away with those lies unchallenged. In fact, that’s why we keep wondering what the man did to you. It would seem that Mitt is white in complexion, but black in blood. Some people are suspecting that he used black magic to tie your tongue on that day.

This time, he must not be allowed to speak. Shout at him if you must. Abuse his long nose if you must. If you don’t know how to abuse people, I will beg OBJ to please lend you some verbal scud missiles for that debate. It is now a matter of do or die.

The long and short story of this letter is to warn that if you fail to do well in the next debate and the other one to follow; and if you fail to win the election in November, I will have no choice than to do what that American man did when he was robbed of his expensive car in Lagos.

I know you’re a very inquisitive person. I’m sure you will want to know what exactly the American man did when his car was stolen by men of the underworld here in Lagos.

Well, the man did a horrible thing. He wept, and wept, and wept. Please don’t make me weep for you.

I remain your very sincere brother.

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9 thoughts on “Warning Letter to Obama”

  1. Interesting piece, very hilarious. You actually left me in stitches…
    Honestly many people are still wondering what happened to Obama that day, looked like a cat stole his tongue..and he looked drugged, and very slow in speech or like you said he was bewitched! So we keep praying for him that all those witches will be bound up in chains on the 16th so that he can be himself..

  2. Obama needs to wake up to the reality that he needs to fight to retain his seat, it is not automatic, all odds are against him. He was completely floored by Mitt, he sounded and looked like a guy who does not want to play the game again, like he does not want to be there at the debate.

    Very few incumbent President have won the election, despite loosing the debate. We keep praying for him. Nice write as usual from the master himself. When are we having the first live forum of megainsights bloggers?

    1. Hey Olumide, you know we are a praying nation so let’s pray for our brother to wake up from his slumber. We can’t afford to let him disgrace the black race, you know.

      Yes, the live forum is in the offing. Hopefully, it will take place before the year runs out.

      Nice hearing from you once again.

      Cheers.

  3. Nice piece, so powerful, motivating and encouraging. Is there anyway the man can see the letter please. HE MUST SEE IT SIR.

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