When I started my blogging experience on this Page, little did I realize that it would soon change me into a man of many parts. I now receive different kinds of requests from people, some of which are way off the purview of this blog page. Take for instance, I just got a mail from someone, apparently a pregnant lady, asking me to enlighten her on how best she could cope with her seven months pregnancy that is becoming quite discomforting for her. I’m shocked!
Well, as I don’t intend to disappoint anyone, I have simply assured her that I would make enquiries and give her a feedback soon. What else do you want a man to tell a pregnant woman? Honestly, I have no idea of how they feel with that heavy load.
At present, I have 22 different requests with me and I’m still thinking seriously about how to tackle some of them. But one thing is becoming clearer to me – a lot of people have issues, many issues, on which they need help. Out of the pending writing requests with me, about 80% have to do with relationships and love affairs! Lord, where are all the “love doctors” of this world? There are so many broken hearts out there that need help!
Yes, I recall that I’ve promised to blog about “Why and How I write.” I will surely do that. But let me confirm here that many of my articles are influenced by my readers who ask me to blog on certain topics. It is also interesting to note that many people don’t bother to read my short profile on this blog page, so I am a different person to different readers. Some see me as a Counselor; some see me as a Pastor, while others think I’m an Author. Well, maybe they are all right. Who knows?
Out of the 22 article requests in my kitty is a particular one from an Australian lady. She mailed me from Canberra (see the power of internet!) after reading my earlier blog, Dealing with Jealousy. Clearly, she’s one of the ladies who see me as a Marriage Counselor or something. I wouldn’t want to expose the contents of our private email exchanges here, but will only state that she asked me to blog about how to break relationships. According to her, many ladies are dying in silence as a result of the toxic relationships they find themselves in.
Well, that seems to be a tall order for me because I’m not an expert in that area. But I’ve consulted those who are in the know. I’m talking about those who get paid for helping people to end relationships. I’m sure you know the people I’m talking about.
Apart from making consultations, I’ve also carried out a little research into the subject and the result is quite revealing. Oh my! I pity our ladies. It doesn’t matter if they are black or white, many ladies move about with painful hearts. As it is in Africa, so it is in Australia!
That’s not to suggest that men too are never victims. Not at all! I am a man and I’ve been a victim before. I’ve had cause to call it quit, and I’ve also been dumped before (Lord, please don’t let my wife read this).
As easy as this question may appear, many ladies find it extremely difficult to end bad relationships. They keep keeping on, hoping that their guys will have a change of heart one day. Every night, either on phone or on the pillow, they beg their men, “Darling, please make this relationship work.” They do everything practically possible to satisfy their men but, unfortunately, instead of positive changes, they get rewarded with worst misbehaviors! When all their entreaties fail, they simply resign to fate, adjust to their men’s unsatisfactory styles, and learn to cope. Many become emergency born again ladies and continue to live in perpetual sadness.
What is bad is bad; it has no other name. If you are in a stinking relationship that is not giving you happiness, the solution is very simple – quit!
Does that sound too harsh? I’m sorry if it is but that is the best counsel you will ever get from anyone who wants to be sincere. You don’t deserve to live a life of sorrow. A relationship is meant to give you joy and if it does not, you must remember that it is your life and you have to live it happily. So, I repeat, call it a day if a relationship doesn’t give you what you want.
Will I pretend that it would be easy for you to quit a toxic relationship? Never! I know it is not that easy to break up; most especially if you so much love your partner. But the point is that a good relationship must have the components of love, acceptance, and understanding. If any of these three is absent, believe me, the relationship is a sheer waste of your time. It won’t last. So why would you waste your precious time on an unyielding partner. Quitting may be so hard to do, but you just have to do it to reclaim your life.
Before you quit a relationship, however, you must be totally convinced, without any form of doubt in your mind, that it’s time to say “goodbye.” Some ladies would break up relationships only to return, knees on the floor, after a few weeks of “leave of absence.” Imagine what their men would think of them in such circumstances!
When, then, should a breakup be considered?
I don’t think it’s that difficult to know when to say “enough is enough.” The signs are always there for any sensible lady to see. But many ladies are so “love drunk” that they keep denying the facts. Why avoiding the obvious?
Well, let me give you the benefit of the doubt. In case you don’t know the signs, I have compiled some questions that you can answer to determine whether or not it’s time to start considering writing your partner’s “termination letter.” I obtained some of these questions from Erin Pavlina’s illuminating article titled, “Cutting the Cords: How to Identify and End a Toxic Relationship”
- When with your guy, do you feel you are yourself or you feel that you must play it safe with him in order not to rock the boat?
- Do you feel free to discuss anything with him or you must “watch your mouth” all the time?
- Do you feel compelled to become someone else in order to satisfy him?
- Does he compete with you in almost everything or does he celebrate your achievements?
- Do you feel scared sharing your good news with him?
- Does he breathe down your neck almost all the time and you feel as if you are his slave?
- Is he always pointing out your faults and scold you, instead of giving you words of encouragement?
- Does he always argue with you until you submit by all means?
- Do you feel empowered and loved with him around you, or you always feel like someone who has just been crushed by a trailer?
- Does he issue you with threats and conditions most of the time?
- Does he tear you apart with his mouth and dictate to you how you must run your life?
- Does he give you his time or you feel as if you are always chasing him around?
- Does he respect your person?
You can add to the above questions but I think they are quite enough to help you take a decision. Any relationship that does not give you happiness or a sense of being wanted is not really worth it.
Being the person right on the spot, you will surely know the right answers to each of the above questions. If the answers are not suitable to you that means you are not in the right relationship, so you need to start a reconsideration process. There is a man for each lady on earth! This one in your hand may not be the right one.
How should it be done?
First, let me make it clear that you must have done everything within your power to bring your issues to your partner’s knowledge before taking your final decisions. Anyway, I needn’t say that because I know ladies generally can endure for long. But it is still important you let your partner know his shortcomings because he may actually be ignorant of them! You mustn’t fall victim of the “Curse of Knowledge.”
So, okay, you’ve tried everything but there is no change. Haha! The ball is now in your court; you can act. How, then, should it be done? Again, it would depend on you and your style. But I will advise that you make it a gradual process. How about starting with some little disappointments here and there? Those are what I term traffic light signals. He calls you up, but you refuse to answer him. He invites you out, you fail to turn up. One day, you finally give him the red card.
After receiving the quit notice, he asks, “Can we still continue to be friends despite this breakup?” Tell him “No!” He asks further, “Can I still call you once in a while?” Again, answer him, “No, please!” Do you know why you have to do that? Well, elders say, “It is better for one not to sniff what one doesn’t intend to eat.” Trust you can understand.
When you breakup with someone, you must let people around you know that both of you are no longer together. That is quite key.
What if married?
I’m sure someone may want to ask, “What if it’s a case of a married lady?” My answers will not be too different from the above. I very much recognize the saying, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” That’s correct. But this situation is different. It is the man himself that is putting the relationship in asunder, not my advice!
The only difference I can see is that a married lady may have to take some extra steps before deciding to call it a day because breaking a marriage relationship is not that easy, most especially if the two have got kids together. So, how about talking to his parents, pastor, siblings etc before taking a final decision? Who knows, they may be able to help.
For anyone that may want to argue that calling third parties into relationship issues is not the best, I want to say, “Sit down there!” Can a corpse hide from the person that would bath for him? When a ship of marriage is about to hit the rock, every effort has to be made to save it. At least, everyone would be able to say of you that, “The lady tried her best.”
What have I done?
Oops! What have I just done? Have I advised someone to commit murder? Honestly, I hate what I’ve just done. I don’t like breakups because it’s an emotional thing which can be so painful. But that is the essence of maturity. You have not yet grown up if you cannot take some hard decisions.
Yes, I value your relationship and wish you love. But above of all, I wish you happiness – inner happiness, that is.